random ramblings

Well, I am enjoying today. We have lots of clean laundry that has been put away (a miracle!), and we are watching Scamper the Penguin. It may be the most poorly made movie that we own, but Gabe loves it so we are in our fourth viewing. sigh.

I'm doing ok with the fact that we weren't chosen the other day. Someone else had their prayers answered yesterday, and God knows best. I do think that a situation like that one would be perfect for our family. It was quick - which is great for me because I can't stand to wait for anything, and it would have been a closed adoption for Craig. Let me clarify - Craig is willing to do an open adoption, but I know he would be less nervous and more comfortable if it was a more closed adoption. When the right time comes, we won't be given anything more or less than we can handle I'm sure.

I've been in the baby's room a few times putting things away, or moving things around, and haven't been too depressed. Someday soon (hopefully) a beautiful baby will be sleeping in that crib. I may have to come to grips with the fact that my children may be farther apart in age than I wanted, but again, God knows best. It might be better this way. My brother and I were about 4 years apart and we got along really well!

We have a few things to get in order before a baby comes along anyway - the washer is broken! We either have to fix it or get a new one; I'm not going to the laundromat with a newborn and a 3 year old every week! and we need to get that new light/fan combo installed in the baby's room. I also need to contact the company that made the crib and get those stabilizer pieces so the drop down rail won't drop down anymore - due to all the recalls. So, there are a few things to do, we'll be busy. Not that Gabe doesn't keep us busy enough..........

The new year is coming! This also means that we have been in the adoption process for a year. But our profile has only been circulating for about 6 months - we thought we had to complete a home study first (we got some wrong information). I'm trying not to be discouraged with the adoption process, it is what it is. I'm just hoping that something happens for us soon. I know God has a plan - and he has the perfect baby for our family already chosen for us. Everytime the answer is "no" it does provide some comfort to know that it really was someone else's baby. God already had the plan in motion. Kinda stinks that we have to get all excited and hopeful before we find that part out, but oh well. lol.

I think I'm gonna use my new neck massaging pillow now..... it was just as good of a Christmas present for Craig as it was for me! He's off the hook every once in a while now!

the answer

alright people - the answer is no. another adoptive family was chosen. They said that the criteria was really close and they had to choose the family that had been waiting the longest. that was a little comforting. They also said they have some "activity" and wanted to know if we would be willing to have our profile shown by them again - we said yes of course. They also said that we have a great potential to be matched. so that's the news. Thanks for praying with us!

frustration

I am having a terrible time reigning in my thoughts today. I can't get that hoping/nervous/adrenaline feeling out of my chest. and I can't stop going over possible scenarios for this adoption situation in my head. Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just wait calmly and patiently like a normal person? I can't even shut my brain up long enough to pray. erg.

an answer! my kingdom for an answer!

disclaimer: the aforementioned kingdom contains a broken washer and dryer and a large pile of unwashed laundry. they are a package deal. my apologies

new news?

soooo..... the other day Craig gets a call from the agency asking if we're willing to adopt a biracial/african-american child; another agency is looking for families. we are. Today they call and inform him that they are sending our information over to the other agency, along with two other families' info. oh, and they're INDUCING LABOR ON TUESDAY! So, I don't know when or if we'll be hearing anything soon, or if we'll possibly have a new baby by Tuesday. Wouldn't that be cool? I'm surprised by how calm I've been. I mean, really calm. This is completely abnormal for me - I can't believe I'm not stressing more. wonder if this is our baby. You know, even if not, it's nice to have hope.

intense emotions today

One of our online "adoption community friends" just notified everyone that their birthparents changed their minds and want to parent. The adoptive family has had the baby for 2 weeks. I am so sad, and frustrated, and angry for them! WHY?! I know God does not give us more than we can handle, He's clearly stated that. However, why does it seem that all the stress and heartbreak happen over and over and over for those who are adopting? I know it's all part of the process, but bear in mind that there has already been stress and heartbreak over infertility problems for all of us adopting folks too! It just seems that the hurt keeps piling on. I'm so sad for them.
Another set of our adoption community friends is waiting for their little one to be born - they seem quite close to their birthmother. I am fervently hoping that everything goes smoothly. I realize that their gain will be someone else's deep loss. However, I have said over and over again that the responsible and loving birthparents are the ones who seriously consider an adoption plan in the first place. They are the ones who put their wants last - and the child's interests first. Hooray for birthmothers!

What a swirl of emotions I'm feeling. I'm so ready for our baby, but if we have to go through a failed placement I may just call it quits. I really don't know how much more of this process I can handle. I think that my emotions are raw in light of our friend's heartbreak. I also think I want to go back to bed - it's safe and warm there.

down down down

I'm having a very hard time explaining to myself why I'm so down about the adoption process. Is it the holidays? I don't think it is - I'm pretty excited about Christmas. Is it just the fact that we're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of deciding to adopt? Who knows, but I am definitely down about it. Don't get me wrong - I am SOOO thankful for my family, and especially for little Gabe, believe me. But we are so ready for that baby! The nursery is done, bottles are sterilized, crib is put together, the carseat is out and cleaned, and we even got a bigger car! I don't know what else I'm supposed to get ready! I know it's all in God's timing, but it's confusing me. I was so sure that God wanted us to adopt, now I'm thinking maybe we should just try to get pregnant one more time. We'd probably complete our family faster that way - but I have absolutely no desire to go that route again. none. errrg

Is this really what God wants? If this is what He wants..... why isn't it happening? How am I supposed to cheer up about it? and who is going to answer all these questions?

misc.

So, I was just looking at the agency's website, and 2 more families are missing from the profile section - which means they've been chosen. Which means, we weren't....... twice. That's a little depressing.
On a happier note - we just bought an '08 Rav 4 for a fantastic price. Now we officially have enough room for a 4-person family. We don't have to worry about the car surviving long car trips - whenever we get the call we can just GO! hooray!

newest news from the agency

We got our monthly email from the agency today. One successful adoption last week, and two pending I believe. No news specific to our profile was given, which is a little frustrating, but oh well. can't change that. One birthmother changed her mind about having an abortion (yay!) and contacted them last week - she's due in the spring. Another two birthmothers are scheduled to meet with Crista and they are due in the summer.
It seems like they are busy helping expectant mothers - but they have also stated that most of their meetings don't result in those mothers placing their baby for adoption. Which I don't mind, God has a plan for those babies and those mothers, and each situation is exactly what it's supposed to be. I just wish we had our baby.
I'm trying to remain hopeful about the adoption, but I'm starting to lose that hope. I'm not even getting excited about the monthly updates anymore. Maybe it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it, but it's hard to stay upbeat and excited for too long. you know?

It is what it is, and I'll wait.
(that's easy to say when you don't have another option) :o)

Turkey Day is done!

I hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving. I'm just glad ours is over! We made it through quite a few awkward conversations (not even adoption related ones) relatively unscathed, and also made it home before bedtime. success! I'm getting pretty excited for Christmas, but Craig won't let me put the tree up yet. I usually have most of my shopping done by this time of year, but am running a behind this season. And I'm not brave/crazy enough to go Black Friday shopping, so it'll have to wait a little longer. :o)

maybe not so tech-savvy!

Ok, so we're not as good as we thought at the blogging thing, lol. Our new blog had some serious issues. Mallory (my friend in VA) had to fix the photo album part for us because none of the captions lined up with the pics and I couldn't get it to work. So, apparently I am still technologically impaired, and no progress has been made. I was so excited too! oh well. It's fixed, so I guess it doesn't matter :o) Hooray for friends!

I'm still ready!

Well, I'm definitely still ready for a baby. Work is not making it easier - tis the season for sick babies to be coming in to the hospital, and for me to be helping them breathe easier. And they are oh-so-sweet when they are sleeping......... I have to battle the inner demons that want me to stuff that baby under my scrubs and zoom on out of the hospital. The fact that I would be fired and lose my license usually stops me. :o) The occasional urge to steal babies aside, I think I'm getting a tiny bit better at the waiting thing. I know I'm a little tired of saying "still waiting" when people ask, but you know, at least we're still in the process. I'm enjoying Gabe while he's still the only child I need to focus on, and I hope he benefits from it. I'm pretty sure he will, cause what could be greater than time with me? :o)

We are so tech-savvy!

We just made an entire blog that's basically a modified version of our adoptive profile. Prospective birthparents can go there and learn all about us. I'm so proud! I never thought I would be able to create something like that (including pictures)! It's called

www.coolestfamilyintown.blogspot.com

I feel like doing a very dorky dance right now, but I think I'll try to hold it in. :o)

Chip In!

Check it out - it's a fundraising site. Even if you can only contribute a dollar, it goes straight to us to help with our adoption. How awesome is that?

Chip In!

mixed feelings?

I think I'm feeling a little down today. Every baby I see makes my heart hurt. It makes me think about trying to get pregnant again, even though I know of the heartbreak that can bring. But, adoption is what I believe God has asked us to do, and it's on his timeline. I'm just aching to hold our baby, wherever and whenever they are. Here's where the mixed feelings come in - I know others feel sad around this time of year because of the holidays, but I'm actually looking forward to them. I love spending these special times with the family I have. It may be easier on me because we already have Gabe to share these moments with, but I'm still waiting for our family to be complete. I know that little person is coming, and I just can't wait! I'm ready!

misc. adoption info

We haven't heard any more news from the adoption lawyers in Columbus. They said they'd try to contact the birthmom again, and would keep us posted.

We also heard from the Abba Fund. They offer christian-to-christian, no-interest adoption loans (if they have the funds available). They do not have the funds available. Go figure.

I was irritated, until some relatively wise people weighed in on the situation. (thanks guys) I've been praying that our adoption happens in a way that leaves no doubt that God had his hand in it. Maybe that's what he's doing. Maybe He's just setting everything up so there's no mistaking that it was his work.

It's making me very nervous though!

on another note - Craig and I have decided to take a weekend mini-trip for our 5 year anniversary. We decided that it's okay if we have to spend some money to do it - we need to get away and be together on this occassion. We need a break, and we need to have some time to just hang out together.

That's all the family news we have right now I think!

bad bmom news

The birtmom we've been telling you all about did not show up for her appointment at the agency last Thursday. They've called and left a message, but she has to be the one to reach out again. It's dissappointing - but that's the news as we know it right now.

things to ponder

Our 5 year anniversary is coming up in December (yay!) and we we were hoping to take a weekend trip somewhere. The problem is that it's going to cost money, and money is the very thing we're trying to save for the adoption! I had quite a few extra hours in at work last week, so we should have extra money to go, plus this is one of those months that I get paid 3 times in one month. However, I'm wondering if we should just forego the whole thing and put the money toward our adoption expenses. On the other hand, this is 5 years for us. It's one of those milestones, we should celebrate somehow! I would also really like to celebrate in a way that takes us away from our little area of comfort and reminds us of "us". Who knows what we'll do - it's quite the predicament for me.

wow

Today at church we received $100 more in donations to put toward our adoption. That brings the money donated up to $200. That doesn't include the cans that people keep dropping off for our recycling drive. Amazing. Special thanks to the Carpenter, Ginther, Coffman, and Miller families for their help!

hmmm

A birthmom was supposed to view our profile on Thursday. I emailed the lawyer on Friday just to see what was going on, no response yet. I am very curious, but not as wound up as I was last time we knew our profile was being viewed. We know so much about this birthmom, and she sounds like a lovely person. I told my mom I felt very weird knowing so much information and life history about someone that I had never even met. I suppose those "feels weird" moments just come with the adoption territory.

I'm looking forward to the day today - Gabe's going to Chuck E. Cheese for the first time, and then we're going to my cousin's band competition with the whole family (grandparents, great grandparent, and aunts/uncles included). It'll be great to see everyone. Also, as former band-geeks ourselves, we will enjoy getting to see a band competition again. :o)

lawyers

well, thanks to some good advice from someone at our agency, we now have our profile with 2 lawyers, and possibly a third in the works. One of them actually has a birthmom they're working with currently, and our profile will be shown to her. We'll see what comes of all this

we're live!

We are on the agency's website now! They just added a section for prospective birthparents to check out waiting adoptive families. We're so excited, if you want to check it out - http://www.spiritoffaithadoptions.org/family_profiles_birthparent.html
I think it's very cool

more paperwork I think

We were told yesterday that we need to be seeking out adoption attorneys in Ohio to increase our chances of a match. I'm not sure if the person was supposed to tell me that or not, but we'll see where we can go with it. I thought we were done with all the searching and comparing, and applications, and all that jazz. I thought we were finally to the place in the process where we could just wait for a match (and then begin more paperwork of course) :o) The thing that cracks me up is that I'm paying someone to let me do all this. how wonderful. This process stinks most of the time...... but somehow it still amuses me

oh happy day

I was driving home from work at 3:30 am and I was thinking about how wonderful my life is, and how blessed I really am. My life is great, and I am really happy in it. Even more good news for today..... Craig said I can't go in the basement laundry room today because he put mouse poison down there. hooray! no more mice, and no laundry duty today! oh, and I have the day off, and get to just stay home and hang with Gabe, does it get better?

trying not to worry

well, we were denied for yet another adoption grant. Just because we pay all our bills on time and are living within our means doesn't mean that this isn't going to be a financial strain! The debt aspect of adoption is what terrified us in the first place! sorry, but it's just frustrating. We choose to drive cars that aren't new - at all - and we have chosen not to redo the bathroom right now (even though it needs it), and we choose to be responsible with the money that we have.

I'm just beginning to feel that because we've been careful and aren't in an economic crisis that we're being punished. I realize that they help those who have special needs and those who don't have jobs like ours first. and I totally agree, except that I'm starting to get scared with this debt looming on the horizon.

I would love to say that we've got it all together financially, I would love to have more than $300 in savings, but I don't. But we are working on it, and we are working on it hard. But I still feel that we're really stepping out on a limb with this adoption expense.

Oh well, the Lord will provide. He always has, and I believe that this is what He wants us to do. He's made that much plain. I will continue to trust that He will pave the way for it to happen.

profile sent!

Alright, we sent our new and improved profile to the agency. I actually added some more "scrapbooky" elements to some of the pages that were more plain before I sent it in. I tried really hard not to take the focus away from the pictures though. Christa (the one who is in contact with most of the birthmothers) said that when our profile was shown by itself to the test audience, everyone thought we were great, but when it was shown with other profiles it tended to be ignored. Too much info, not enough cool stuff on it I guess. (other than us) :o) So we made one that was even more spiffy. So, unfortunately, this means.................. that Craig was right. Now I'll never hear the end of it. :o) They don't have any birthmoms "pending" right now, so they'll have time to review it, and we'll have time to fix things. You know what I'm most excited about? I saved almost 50% on all the copies! woo!

and now it's frogs

Well, we got rid of the turtle, I mean "returned the turtle to it's natural habitat" over the summer (thank goodness). Then today Gabe made a deal with his dad. He would return the worms, that have been living in my cake container on the kitchen table for the past few days, to the flower bed. IF he could get african water frogs at Wal-Mart. So now they're living on the kitchen table in a fish bowl (with an improvised lid). It's funny, but I don't mind any of this at all. I'm actually pretty amused by it all. I love being that little boy's mommy.

grants grants baby!

At least that's the way we hope it works out! and in that order! :o) We are still waiting to hear from 2 of the grant organizations we applied to, and should know by this month or next. The others said no, so I hope we hear something soon. The looming financial burden is making me nervous. I know everything will work out no matter what, because I really feel this is what God has led us to do. And we're beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel on some of our debts (dental bills, etc.) so that's encouraging. The recycling can drive is filling our garage for now, until the aluminum prices go up. So, we have to wait and see if that's profitable, and we have had $100 in donations from people who just want to help us. Isn't that amazing? But it sure would be nice to have a big chunk of the total cost already covered! We'll see!

time to vote!

Hi,
We're doing a little experiment before we have our adoption profile expert-type person check out the new profile. If you've got the time, check out both profiles - the old one is on the top, new one is on the bottom. If you click on them it should take you to photobucket where you can do a slideshow, or whatever works best for your viewing convenience. :o)

Craig didn't think the old one was warm enough - too factual, too much info, not a whole lot of pictures of the 3 of us doing stuff. So, we revamped. We took out most of the pages of our extended family (sorry guys!) and most of the pages of Gabe and his various pets, etc. We tried to put in more pictures that show us being a family, and taking our trips and other cool stuff.

I know they don't want a whole lot of "busyness" on the pages, so I just used the patterned backgrouns mainly as frames for the pics. I hope it's not too much.

Let us know what you think!

redoing profile?

oh geez. We might have to redo our profile..... again. Craig starting worrying after we weren't chosen by the birthmother last week that there was something wrong with our profile. He thinks it might not be "warm" enough. So, to ease his mind I contacted the lady who shows the profile - and who helped us put it together. She said she's going to let some unbiased people to review it this week and give feedback, she understands that it's important to us. I'm very grateful to her, but I really don't want to redo that thing. Scrapbooking is not my thing! I really hope she won't take it out of "circulation" to show it to the unbiased people, whoever they are...... I better email her again. bye!

update

The birthmom that was looking at our profile on Monday chose another family. We're trying to be happy for them, I'm sure they're ecstatic. We, on the other hand, are back to waiting. On another note, the agency said they are contacting with 2 new birthmothers next week, one is due in October and the other is due in January. Hopefully we'll hear something next week. If not, we'll know the answer was no. There's also a birthmother in Florida, but Craig doesn't think he can get all the time off to travel and to stay. Well, I'm off to get ready for work.

waiting and waiting

Well, we had to put our first dog to sleep on Saturday - it was heartbreaking for us all. I contacted our adoption agency regarding the need to update our profile. They said, don't worry about updating the profile, just pray for the BIRTHMOM WHO WILL BE LOOKING AT IT TONIGHT! I think I sucked all the air out of the room when I read that! That was Monday, we still haven't heard anything from the agency. Tomorrow they're supposed to do their monthly phone call, so I hope we'll have some more info by then. It's driving me crazy! At first I was happy to have some hope, but now I think maybe I would have rather not known. I am a horrible waiter. God keeps trying to teach me............ and it stinks! :o)