random ramblings

Well, I am enjoying today. We have lots of clean laundry that has been put away (a miracle!), and we are watching Scamper the Penguin. It may be the most poorly made movie that we own, but Gabe loves it so we are in our fourth viewing. sigh.

I'm doing ok with the fact that we weren't chosen the other day. Someone else had their prayers answered yesterday, and God knows best. I do think that a situation like that one would be perfect for our family. It was quick - which is great for me because I can't stand to wait for anything, and it would have been a closed adoption for Craig. Let me clarify - Craig is willing to do an open adoption, but I know he would be less nervous and more comfortable if it was a more closed adoption. When the right time comes, we won't be given anything more or less than we can handle I'm sure.

I've been in the baby's room a few times putting things away, or moving things around, and haven't been too depressed. Someday soon (hopefully) a beautiful baby will be sleeping in that crib. I may have to come to grips with the fact that my children may be farther apart in age than I wanted, but again, God knows best. It might be better this way. My brother and I were about 4 years apart and we got along really well!

We have a few things to get in order before a baby comes along anyway - the washer is broken! We either have to fix it or get a new one; I'm not going to the laundromat with a newborn and a 3 year old every week! and we need to get that new light/fan combo installed in the baby's room. I also need to contact the company that made the crib and get those stabilizer pieces so the drop down rail won't drop down anymore - due to all the recalls. So, there are a few things to do, we'll be busy. Not that Gabe doesn't keep us busy enough..........

The new year is coming! This also means that we have been in the adoption process for a year. But our profile has only been circulating for about 6 months - we thought we had to complete a home study first (we got some wrong information). I'm trying not to be discouraged with the adoption process, it is what it is. I'm just hoping that something happens for us soon. I know God has a plan - and he has the perfect baby for our family already chosen for us. Everytime the answer is "no" it does provide some comfort to know that it really was someone else's baby. God already had the plan in motion. Kinda stinks that we have to get all excited and hopeful before we find that part out, but oh well. lol.

I think I'm gonna use my new neck massaging pillow now..... it was just as good of a Christmas present for Craig as it was for me! He's off the hook every once in a while now!

the answer

alright people - the answer is no. another adoptive family was chosen. They said that the criteria was really close and they had to choose the family that had been waiting the longest. that was a little comforting. They also said they have some "activity" and wanted to know if we would be willing to have our profile shown by them again - we said yes of course. They also said that we have a great potential to be matched. so that's the news. Thanks for praying with us!

frustration

I am having a terrible time reigning in my thoughts today. I can't get that hoping/nervous/adrenaline feeling out of my chest. and I can't stop going over possible scenarios for this adoption situation in my head. Why do I have to feel this way? Why can't I just wait calmly and patiently like a normal person? I can't even shut my brain up long enough to pray. erg.

an answer! my kingdom for an answer!

disclaimer: the aforementioned kingdom contains a broken washer and dryer and a large pile of unwashed laundry. they are a package deal. my apologies

new news?

soooo..... the other day Craig gets a call from the agency asking if we're willing to adopt a biracial/african-american child; another agency is looking for families. we are. Today they call and inform him that they are sending our information over to the other agency, along with two other families' info. oh, and they're INDUCING LABOR ON TUESDAY! So, I don't know when or if we'll be hearing anything soon, or if we'll possibly have a new baby by Tuesday. Wouldn't that be cool? I'm surprised by how calm I've been. I mean, really calm. This is completely abnormal for me - I can't believe I'm not stressing more. wonder if this is our baby. You know, even if not, it's nice to have hope.

intense emotions today

One of our online "adoption community friends" just notified everyone that their birthparents changed their minds and want to parent. The adoptive family has had the baby for 2 weeks. I am so sad, and frustrated, and angry for them! WHY?! I know God does not give us more than we can handle, He's clearly stated that. However, why does it seem that all the stress and heartbreak happen over and over and over for those who are adopting? I know it's all part of the process, but bear in mind that there has already been stress and heartbreak over infertility problems for all of us adopting folks too! It just seems that the hurt keeps piling on. I'm so sad for them.
Another set of our adoption community friends is waiting for their little one to be born - they seem quite close to their birthmother. I am fervently hoping that everything goes smoothly. I realize that their gain will be someone else's deep loss. However, I have said over and over again that the responsible and loving birthparents are the ones who seriously consider an adoption plan in the first place. They are the ones who put their wants last - and the child's interests first. Hooray for birthmothers!

What a swirl of emotions I'm feeling. I'm so ready for our baby, but if we have to go through a failed placement I may just call it quits. I really don't know how much more of this process I can handle. I think that my emotions are raw in light of our friend's heartbreak. I also think I want to go back to bed - it's safe and warm there.

down down down

I'm having a very hard time explaining to myself why I'm so down about the adoption process. Is it the holidays? I don't think it is - I'm pretty excited about Christmas. Is it just the fact that we're coming up on the 1 year anniversary of deciding to adopt? Who knows, but I am definitely down about it. Don't get me wrong - I am SOOO thankful for my family, and especially for little Gabe, believe me. But we are so ready for that baby! The nursery is done, bottles are sterilized, crib is put together, the carseat is out and cleaned, and we even got a bigger car! I don't know what else I'm supposed to get ready! I know it's all in God's timing, but it's confusing me. I was so sure that God wanted us to adopt, now I'm thinking maybe we should just try to get pregnant one more time. We'd probably complete our family faster that way - but I have absolutely no desire to go that route again. none. errrg

Is this really what God wants? If this is what He wants..... why isn't it happening? How am I supposed to cheer up about it? and who is going to answer all these questions?

misc.

So, I was just looking at the agency's website, and 2 more families are missing from the profile section - which means they've been chosen. Which means, we weren't....... twice. That's a little depressing.
On a happier note - we just bought an '08 Rav 4 for a fantastic price. Now we officially have enough room for a 4-person family. We don't have to worry about the car surviving long car trips - whenever we get the call we can just GO! hooray!

newest news from the agency

We got our monthly email from the agency today. One successful adoption last week, and two pending I believe. No news specific to our profile was given, which is a little frustrating, but oh well. can't change that. One birthmother changed her mind about having an abortion (yay!) and contacted them last week - she's due in the spring. Another two birthmothers are scheduled to meet with Crista and they are due in the summer.
It seems like they are busy helping expectant mothers - but they have also stated that most of their meetings don't result in those mothers placing their baby for adoption. Which I don't mind, God has a plan for those babies and those mothers, and each situation is exactly what it's supposed to be. I just wish we had our baby.
I'm trying to remain hopeful about the adoption, but I'm starting to lose that hope. I'm not even getting excited about the monthly updates anymore. Maybe it's just a phase and I'll snap out of it, but it's hard to stay upbeat and excited for too long. you know?

It is what it is, and I'll wait.
(that's easy to say when you don't have another option) :o)