I got this out a book I'm skimming.
Preparing for Parenthood
Mother's Preparation for pregnancy: Obtain a 25 pound bag of pinto beans. Attach it to your waist with a belt. Wear it everywhere you go for nine months. Then remove ten beans to indicate the baby has been born.
Mess-management Preparation: Smear grape jelly on the living room furnitur and curtains. Now plungs your hands into a bag of potting soil, wipe them on the walls, and highlight the smudges with Magic Markers.
Inhalation Therapy preparation: Empty a carton of milk onto the cloth upholstery of the family car, park the vehicle in a sunny spot, then leave it to ripen for the month of August. Open the door and breathe deeply.
Shopping Preparation: Herd a flock of goats through the grocery store. Always keep every goat in sight and bring enough money to pay for whatever they eat or destroy.
Financial Preparation: Arrange for the family's paycheck to be split equally between the nearest grocery store and the pediatrician's office for the next two decades.
Aerobic Agility preparation: Try to dress the family cat in a small pantsuit complete with buttom shirt, snap-leg pants, lace-up shoes, and a bow tie while the nieghbor's German shepherd barks out encouragement from two feet away. (Make sure paramedics are standing by).