amused

I am really getting a kick out of this adoption in our small town. SOOOO many people have come up to me and are just shocked - they had no idea I was expecting! It's hilarious! It's a good opportunity to explain that we are adopting, and everyone is so supportive. I guess it just amuses me that everyone in our little town knows everything about everyone and it threw them all for a loop when I didn't look pregnant and then had a newborn all of a sudden. LOL. I may be a little chunky, but heck, I look great for just having a baby 3 weeks ago. HAHAHAHAHA.

but it IS the right time!

Had an interesting conversation with Gabe the other day. You know - 3 year olds are amazing litttle people. On with the story:
He's been talking a lot about "our baby that isn't coming yet". (completley unprovoked - I've actually been trying not to think about the adoption for a little while, and we've kept the nursery door closed)

anyway, we're laying in bed the other night and he says
"Mommy, I miss our baby that isn't coming yet."
to him - missing someone is wanting someone to be here who isn't - whether he knows them or not. I thought it was a sweet way to say it.
So, I say "I miss them too, but God will bring us our baby when it's the right time."
and he sits up, points his finger for emphasis and says
"Yeah, but it IS the right time."

I had to laugh at him because that's exactly how I feel about it too! He's going to be such a great big brother, and I'm glad he's excited about it.

oh my

Turns out I probably have endometriosis. That explains a lot of the fertility issues. Well, actually that explains all of them. So, Friday I go for pre-testing, and next Wednesday I'll have a laparoscopy. They'll look around and see if it is actually endometriosis (which they're pretty sure it is) and to fix any adhesions it caused (and they're pretty sure they're there). I'm actually nervous, I've never had surgery before. I've never had anything major wrong with me before that would require surgery! All things considered though, it's a very minor surgery. So that's good. It'll be nice to have some answers.

so here I sit

Seems like I only want to blog when I'm in a confusing mood. Go figure. Right now I'm struggling to hold on to the hope that our adoption will happen. I actually am now wondering if this is really what God wanted. I was so sure, there were so many things that happened that I thought were definitely pointing us in this direction. But that was a year ago, and still we have no baby sleeping in the nursery. I know the average wait time is two years. blah blah blah. I hate waiting. I know that this process is definitely being used by God to teach me patience, but I think it's alright to say that I don't appreciate it. I also am trying to continually focus away from myself, and onto the many birthmothers out there who are making decisions that they never wanted to make. That helps some. I also focus on the fact that we do have a sweet little 3 year old sleeping in the room right next to the nursery, and I am so thankful for that. I'm also exercising more and eating really well. Trying to get that last 20 pounds off of me. Hopefully I'll be a hot mamma when our little bundle arrives. (in case you're wondering - no I'm not being patient with the weight loss process either) Seems like everything I want takes time.......

prayers

I'm praying about quite a few adoption and pregnancy related things right now, but none of them are pertaining to me! lol A friend is taking injections trying to keep her 5th pregnancy and the outlook isn't good - she'll know today. She has one healthy child, but has had 3 miscarriages. It's so hard on her, and I've been there so I know how she feels. I'm praying for the new orphans the earthquake in Haiti created, and I'm hoping that the country can decide things quickly for their sakes. and a person I've never met before just posted a blog on adoptionvoices. She is 6 months pregnant w/twins and is having more trouble than any person should have while placing her children for adoption - read the post if you want, I'm not going to recap it. There's a possiblity that she's a scammer, but I'm going to pray for her anyway. Also, Tracy, the preacher's wife is considering going on a mission trip to an orphanage in China. Maybe all this praying for other people will help me refocus during this adoption process. I think that's what I need

beauty from ashes

Haitian orphans are being brought to the US to be adopted! How wonderful is that?! Not just for me, lol, for them! How amazing that their government allowed this instead of just shutting everything down. For once someone thought of the motherless and fatherless! Praise God! However, I'm curious about how this is going to work. Do the families need an international homestudy? If so, there's no way to get one approved - the Haitian government is in shambles right now. How will they make these adoptions legal? Is there some type of "calamity citizenship" offered by the US for such an occasion as this? I wish I knew the answers, because boy is this a situation that's close to my heart. My dad went to Haiti when I was 4 and I remember it vividly. I still have a maraca that he brought me. That was my dream growing up - to go on a mission trip to Haiti like my dad. Well, life happens you know, and there was never an opportunity. Wouldn't it be wicked awesome to have a Haitian mission trip right here? and wouldn't it be even awesomer (haha) to fulfill one of my heart's greatest desires at the same time? Oh who knows what will happen, not me that's for sure. But I do know that our God is GREAT. And I'm so thankful that the orphans are being adopted. Even if we're not part of it, I am so full of thanksgiving for all involved with that.

wondering

I am very thankful for my life, my husband, our son, our home, our church family, everything we have! So I wonder, why am I consumed with this desire/obsession over becoming a mommy again? I have so much here to keep me busy, so much to be thankful for. I shouldn't want more! But I can't just lay these thoughts aside - they will not go. Part of me feels that if Im truly thankful for everything I have, than I wouldn't want anymore. But, that's obviously not the case. I am ready for a little one! What's a girl to do?